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Arts and Culture

‘Get Rich Cheating,’ Part 2

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Posted on Jun 10, 2009
Harper Paperbacks

Jeff Kreisler

(Page 2)

Hypocrisy
  You must walk a fine line when crafting your public persona. Sometimes, the best image for a Great Cheater isn’t arrogant and successful, but humble, pious, and devout. BUT! Do not practice what you preach. For instance, John Rigas refused to allow Adelphia to carry X-rated programming, treated employees well, put his phone number on bills, and financed medical centers, all while immorally cheating his way to a fortune. Good for him. Consider these other hypocritunties:
    • Building a million-member church based upon outrage over sexual deviancy while buying drugs and having illicit homosexual affairs. (Pastor Ted Haggard was the founder of New Life Church in Colorado and outspokenly condemned homosexual activity. He was forced to resign after being caught using drugs with a male prostitute. Cool.)
    • Speaking out against gambling from Vegas. (Billy “The Book of Virtues” Bennett wrote a book called, surprisingly, The Book of Virtues and his Empower America organization opposed casinos. In 2003 he admitted he was a high-stakes gambler who’d lost millions in Vegas, butbutbut he only played on blackjack tables of great virtue.)
    • Criticizing congressional earmarks, then requesting thousands yourself. (Bush was an outspoken opponent of congressional earmarks but has requested thousands himself. Including: $330 million to research pest control, $1.5 million for a waterway, $900,000 for an air traffic control tower in Kalamazoo—that place sucks—$12 million for a parachute repair shop, $6.5 million for asphalt research, $2 million to detect neutrinos at the South Pole, and $28 million for GE and Siemens to do go-nowhere research. What about the folks who get all this earmarked money? They’re Getting Rich Cheating too, aren’t they? See Chapter 19: Friends, Cheaters, Countrymen.)
    • Announcing you will limit yourself to a salary of just one dollar but “forgetting” to mention your signing bonus and stocks. (Thanks for the tip, Richard Miller of Delphi! Your compensation in 2005 was $3.75 million. Your “salary” was only $1. Auto companies, take note.)
    • Railing against infidelity while cheating on your spouse. (Congress people Henry Hyde and Helen Chenoweth, while pursuing the impeachment of Bill Clinton, were both later revealed to have been adulterers.)
    • Proselytizing the Bible on TV while awaiting trial. (My man, Richard Scrushy of HealthSouth, read the Bible on a morning TV show called Viewpoint in Birmingham during his trial ... in Birmingham. He began preaching in churches and invited pastors and followers to his trial. Hallelujah, praise cheat-us!)
    • Ending affirmative action after getting a position to do so because of affirmative action. (Supreme Court Justice Clarence “My book sold millions and I’ve got a job for life” Thomas.)
    • Praising the free market while circumventing its rules. (Everybody ever born.)

 

book cover

 

Get Rich Cheating

 

By Jeff Kreisler

 

Harper Paperbacks, 336 pages

 

Buy the book

Succes$tory: “We fired Kate Moss for her cocaine bust. We took a moral stand! Us! The peddler of a chemical scent whose sole purpose is to deceive people into sexual relations. Ha!” — Chanel

  Looking for easy hypocrisy? Give to charity. Great Cheaters are some of the biggest contributors to local and national causes, and they often start their own, like Oprah’s Angel Network, Bono’s One Campaign, and Ken Lay’s “Seriously, I’m not dead—I’m just hiding, but I’m running out of food” Foundation. These groups don’t exist just to get tax breaks, nor are they always sham fronts to hide profits. Sometimes they simply work to get local communities to blindly love and forgive you, whether you’re a corporate crook, an athlete with too much money, a movie star with guilt, or a retired lobbyist. A well-funded anti-cleft palates organization can help others turn the other cheek.
“He seemed like such a nice guy. Always helping out around the neighborhood. Quiet, kept to himself. I never thought they’d find so many bodies in his basement.”—Neighbors reacting to news of a serial killer and/or cheater living next door

Spin, Baby, Spin
  You can fool all of the people some of the time and some of the people all of the time, and that’s all you need to Get Rich Cheating.
Even though everything you’ve done up to this point is, in totality, positive—at least for you—some might not get the big picture. So, like the Great Cheaters, twist and turn your bad deeds into good things. It’s possible to see events in many different ways: Ford either “lost an astounding $4 billion” or “kept their losses under $10 billion.” Enron either “stole” or “arbitraged.”
  It’s all a matter of perspective. Look at something, decide what you want it to mean, then unleash a tangled web of words and imagery to lead your audience to that conclusion. The Great Cheater knows that there’s no such thing as bad publicity, only bad publicists. Omit certain facts, emphasize others, and always remain vague, obscure, and confusing. Good spinmeisters—be they spokesmen, publicists, or members of the corporate PR department—can take your foot out of your mouth and place it on the road to riches.
  Spinning is the art of making something bad into something good and lucrative. To enhance their humanity and earning power, cheating celebrities (or their publicists) spin a drunken binge into dehydration, reckless driving and child endangerment into sleepless empathy with the victims of (insert most recent natural disaster), underage sex and child porn into “research for a book,” anti-Semitism into alcoholism, racism into alcoholism, and, oddly, alcoholism into prescription painkiller addiction.

  “Cozy” apartments, a “people person,” “youthful indiscretions,” “girls being girls.” These are just some impressive everyday spin jobs. Other Great Cheater spin:
    • For centuries, the White House spokesperson has helped ordinary people accept everything from the public health benefits of global warming (Dana Perino) to the really long nap Lincoln took after a show at the Ford Theater (Lincoln’s press secretary).
    • Ari Fleischer, Scott McClellan, Perino, Mike McCurry, and that guy from the movie Thank You for Smoking are among the great propagandists of our time, able to make trillions flow with the tip of their tongues. McClellan admitted his job was to deceive, twist, distort, and enable2. He did a good job.
    • After Hurricane Katrina, President Bush touted economic recovery while speaking to disaster relief workers in North Carolina. Yes, business was booming for the catastrophe industry, but that’s like saying the Detroit Lions are a success to people who sell the letter “L.”
    • You’re not “avoiding taxes”; you’re “increasing tax competitiveness.”
    • You’re not “cutting jobs”; you’re just “lowering the retirement age (to now).”
    • You can’t make an omelet without breaking a few eggs.
    • You’re just expanding the limits of America’s knowledge.
    • Don’t stifle innovation!
    • “Hey! No one at GM has committed mass murder this week!”
    • Stupidsayswhat?

Is your nose growing? Can you sell me the Brooklyn Bridge? Are your pants on fire? If so, you’ve got the spinning chops of a Great Cheater.

 


 

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By rockinrobin, June 12, 2009 at 9:34 am Link to this comment
(Unregistered commenter)

Shatter the image of our forefathers dream of a Gov of the people, by the people, FOR the people; that has NOT been the way this nation has been run for a VERY long time; PUT IN the TRUTH: which is a ONE party system, who’s politicians got BRIBED a long time ago who said hey hey hey let’s do it THIS way instead (by the very folks who owned the large plantations) and they claim “exploitation” which is the targeting and harming for personal gain & profit is the “way” any Gov runs which is a CRIME. The PEOPLE are the TARGET. Politicians simply means ONE THING FOLKS: PUBLICALLY saying what the PEOPLE will “accept” or THINK is true while doing whatever they choose; ENTER a JUDICIAL system who goes RIGHT ALONG with it; including CALLING the POLITICAL SYSTEM OF CRIME to find out “how they want to rule”; the “we are a force for good” was FABRICATED from GUNSMOKE. Every AGENCY is set up as a MOVIE SETTING to MISLEAD and DECEIVE the PUBLIC; they went to CHINA whom they have worked well with for years & told them to set up a Congress; LISTEN to the PUBLIC: PRETEND that what they have to say & putting laws on the books THE PEOPLE would be happy THINKING the laws were there; DON"T FOLLOW THEM: do whatever you want whenever you want however you want & never be brought to justice; have ALL THE MONEY you want; unlimited; FORCE the PEOPLE to pay & pay & pay; THIS is DEMOCRACY. Other nations like Austrailia whom they have bribed the Gov there to “do it their way” want to FEED politicians to the HUNGRY whom they have STARVED to death by weaponing up folks like Saddam Hussain in THEIR OWN IMAGE: and told them NOT to let the PEOPLE have FOOD til they PAY ENOUGH MONEY FOR IT. And sadly, they will NEVER have enough.
With the TECHNOLOGY today (MINUS the CHEMICALS) there is no need for ANY to be hungry. But they delight in cruelty & take joy in torture. And have THINK TANKS at UNIVERSITYS to find out NEW ways to HARM; claiming of course, it is for “population” control.
WHY are the PEOPLE putting up with a GOV who STATES that it is CRIMINALLY RUN? Or LAWMAKERS who BREAK laws? Or JUDGES who are more criminal than any appearing before them?

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RAE's avatar

By RAE, June 12, 2009 at 6:58 am Link to this comment

Not much of a comment but perhaps worth saying…

In today’s business/economic climate there is NO WAY that I can imagine to get financially rich UNLESS YOU CHEAT SOMEBODY even if that’s just by squeezing another 25 cents profit on each widget by applying one coat of paint instead of two.

The automotive industry is one of the best examples of collective cheating. Every single part of an American built automobile is DELIBERATELY DESIGNED to fail/wear out at a pre-determined rate. This is to ensure a steady after-the-sale source of income for all the supporting industries… parts, repair, etc.

My father told me just before I bought my first automobile at age 16 that the LEAST EXPENSIVE CAR TO OWN is a ROLLS ROYCE. You only need ONE in a lifetime instead of 15 Fords. Far less expensive… and a FAR BETTER RIDE for your entire life.

“Detroit” could likewise certainly build better machines (not to Rolls Royce standards, but “better”) but then they couldn’t cheat you out of thousands of dollars of replacement parts & repairs that fail as designed. All the emphasis in the sales pitches is on bells and whistles while nobody thinks to ask about the quality of the wheel bearings or water pump or steering assembly… you know, the IMPORTANT stuff.

Playing by the rules is for losers… any professional sports personality will tell you that “off the record.” The key to great success is to CHEAT AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE and get caught at it as little as possible.

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