‘Get Rich Cheating’

Posted on Jun 2, 2009

Harper Paperbacks

Jeff Kreisler

(Page 2)

CHEAT CHAT
Paid for Services Not Rendered

Charge Uncle Sam for work you’ve already done, you’ve done poorly, or you never intend to do. Meaninglessness has its price. Michael Cantrell got money for firms to test and design things they’d already tested and designed, prisons and detention centers are routinely built for way below their fee, and where did the money for that Bridge to Nowhere go? Nowhere, a.k.a. someone’s bank account.

Or just flat out overbill, baby. Do an hour of work,charge for a week. With all that bureaucracy, they’ll never catch on. Okay, Schering-Plough agreed to a $435 million settlement for overcharges and Halliburton’s always getting “cited” for excessive costs and Harry Sargeant III was accused of making $14 million by overcharging the Pentagon for fuel deliveries, but that’s just because some low-level pencil pushers don’t realize how much it costs to maintain a squad of highly trained junior executives to suck up to you at the snap of a finger.

Earmarks
Earmarks are an exciting way for your government connections to get you money. What’s an “earmark”? A tiny birthmark in the shape of a dollar sign on the ear of a giant who smashes others’ dreams. Despite grandstanding reform and veto pledges by the likes of several-million-in-earmarks-getting candidate John McCain, the spending bill for fiscal year 2008 included more than 2,200 earmarks worth $1 billion⁵, and that number is sure to increase because that’s what Thomas Jefferson would’ve wanted.

Not all the cash for these earmarks even makes it to where it’s ostensibly supposed to go⁶. Money gets lost along the pipeline. Why? Because Great Cheaters like you punch holes in the pipeline to siphon off barrels of sweet, sweet cash.

Those numbers are probably not accurate, because tracking the billions in earmarks is not-accidentally difficult to do. Whatever. There’s a lot of earmark money: Yes, there was a new ethics rule in 2007 about earmarks and pork barrel spending⁷, but that just made it more difficult to request money. Methinks congressional staffers can figure out how.

Rules, Schmules
On the off chance that you can’t get around the rules, bend ’em, twist ’em, and change ’em. Legalize your schemes for cheating success.

In$piration: “If you set the rules . . . it’s almost impossible to lose.” —Karl Rove⁸

After repeatedly losing the state, the Republican Party tried to change the rules of the electoral college so that California’s votes in the presidential election would be distributed proportionally, not winner-take-all. Haven’t succeeded yet, but give ’em time. (Maybe they’ll bag that and just change the rules to allow an Ahnold to be president.)

After—and during—repeated losing, Hillary Clinton tried to change the rules regarding the counting of delegates in Michigan, Florida, and Texas during the ’08 Democratic primaries. All those states have strong college football traditions, i.e., a high tolerance for cheating. Coincidence? Probably.

Speaking of football, after repeatedly losing to the New England Patriots in the playoffs, the Indianapolis Colts whined their way into meeting with the rules committee to change the game. Peyton Manning benefited from the NFL’s subsequent greater emphasis on the illegal contact rule. He set records, won a championship, and made millions for himself, his team, and whoever produces the ten thousand commercials he’s in every goddamn day.

Let the Great Cheaters lead by example:

•GWB got installed as president when the Supreme Court decided to change its rules on federalism and equal protection, but just for that case, not for future decisions. It’s a “Get out of not being president for free” card.
•W., just like every president, signed a zillion “midnight regulations” to give away what little government money was left without that annoying “I’m Just a Bill” song from Schoolhouse Rock.
•The administrator of the EPA reversed a ruling allowing California to limit auto emissions after pressure from the White House. Well, duh, by the time the mutations kick in, we’ll all be long gone. Let California’s grandkids deal with the radioactive three-headed toads.
•As his company neared catastrophe, Angelo Mozilo of Countrywide Financial changed the company’s rules to allow himself to sell hundreds of millions in stock.
•During the height of the lending boom, the Office of the Comptroller of the Currency (OCC, not to be confused with OPP) invoked an obscure 1863 law to preempt all state predatory banking laws. No reason you can’t time travel to keep cheating.
•The SEC voted against allowing investors to nominate their own board members, meaning folks getting screwed by us bigwigs can still do nothing about it.
•Many states have adopted strict voter ID laws again. According to a judge in Indiana, his state’s law is a “not-too-thinly-veiled attempt to discourage election-day turnout by certain folks believed to skew Democratic.⁹” Nonsense. If you can’t correctly answer the simple, straightforward question “Are you a Republican?” you shouldn’t get to vote.
•Missouri claims their voting ID laws exist to stop illegal immigrants from interrupting the voting process. Sure, because there’s nothing illegal immigrants like more than to go into government offices and ask to speak to someone in charge.

 

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