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The Last Weiner

Posted on Jul 4, 2011
Flickr / madelineyoki (CC-BY-SA)

By Larry Beinhart

Once again a weiner has been rubbed in our face.
Yes, a political penis has escaped from its place.
It’s a scandal, an outrage, an erectile disgrace,
this tale of a penis caught so far from its base.

Yes, it’s happened again, as it happened before,
a wandering penis off in search of some more.
Now the pundits swarm their packs to deplore
the politician who is caught while trying to score.

The Condition

Clinton was my favorite I readily confess,
Monica’s kneepads and the stain on her dress.
John Ensign so moral and so very pro-life,
paid his aide very well for the use of his wife.
Larry Craig taught us all an obscure Midwest dance,
the one whose first step is called a wide stance.
Mark Sanford cried tears after he’d seen her.
That was his soul mate down in Argentina.
Chris Lee trolled topless in the maze of Craig’s list,
and now he’s gone, but not at all missed.
John Edwards had a sordid and tragic affair,
a videographer fell in love with his hair.
Eliot Spitzer paid more than we knew a man could.
Is there really a hooker who can do it that good?
Eric Massa did something very hard to believe,
tickled a staffer “till he couldn’t breathe.”
Then to make sure his train was truly a wreck,
he went and explained it, out loud, on Glenn Beck.
Mark Foley’s fame will roll down through the ages
as the first man to be caught sexting his pages.
David Vitter represents Southern tradition,
going with hookers then showing contrition.
Clarence Thomas deserves his very own joke,
for placing a pubic hair on the can of a Coke.

Why? Oh Why?

Is it the fault of the liberals, the hippies, the Jews?
Repression, recession, the fault of the news?
Could we have avoided all of these dreadful disasters,
if we listened to our priests and heeded our pastors?
That sounds oh, very right, but actually it worse is,
pedophiles so often make their perches in churches.
And powerful preachers so very often lose their way
coming out of the closet they’ve been in being gay.
The strict teaching of religion, to everyone’s great sorrow,
didn’t work yesterday and it won’t work tomorrow.

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By TC, July 8, 2011 at 9:37 pm Link to this comment


Americum, Chinacum, Europecum, Indiacum, Russicum, Oceanicum, and Africum.
These were the seven Pricks who dominated the World. They liked to think of their global domain as Semenica or Spermicum. The most powerful of the seven Pricks sometimes picked on Russicum for having a small phallus. Not that Russicum lacked for nuclear gonads. All knew that at any given moment Russicum could pull off one of the most gigantic erections in the World, given its USSR-era arsenals.
In fact it was Africum and Oceanicum who lacked for nuclear Viagra. What these two impoverished pricks wanted by way of erectile potency, they made up for in sheer energy and mass. Though not yet able to ejaculate foes to death in nuclear fashion like the other global pricks, they could smother you with their enormous heft and breadth.
And so it was that Americum, Chinacum, Europecum, Indiacum, and Russicum strutted around cock first, five fearsome phalluses, while Oceanicum and Africum magnificently brought up the enormous rear. These were the seven Pricks who ruled the World, the P-7.
Chinacum carried the biggest cock of all. In fact Chinacum’s cock was so big that the old prick did not need to boast as much as the others. Everyone knew the thing was huge, could see it, smell it.
No cock no matter what size intimidated Americum, who could do more with his cock than all the cocks of all the other Pricks combined. And he did. Americum was constantly shooting off all over the place and bragging about it to no end.
Pathology, suggested some.
Youthful exuberance, proclaimed others.
Pure stupidity, a few ventured.
The glamour, the fame, the fortune, and the many objects of affection that came and carried on, swept up by Americum’s nonstop launching of militant sperm, his feverish energy and devotion to irrepressible ejaculations was The Fact of Nature at which all the pricks around the world nodded their heads and detonated the more.

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By Ghettogether, July 6, 2011 at 3:05 pm Link to this comment

They’re pumping Uranium
into your cranium
arsenic mercury and smashing small farms
fluoride tapwater and phonetapping crooks
got you so blind you can’t follow their hooks
dual citizenship for Chertoff, security racket
in a circle-jerk empire, of crooks master spies
and genetically engineered suicide genes
its probably a joke, a smokescreen for straights,
I smell switch-hitters covering tracks,
boys for their buns and girls for their racks
Wiener wants em all, his wife’s white house lawn
gets munched by a Hillarious media pawn.

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By Psychobabbler, July 6, 2011 at 12:05 pm Link to this comment

The politics of penis is really something. I can’t even urinate without making a mess lately. Superman never created so much controversy with his bulging spandex. Isn’t that something? It doesn’t take much to paralyze the population into submission. These guys might actually be on to something big. I’m starting to feel like I’ve got my own concealed weapon for freedom fighting. I would like to offer world leaders the opportunity to negotiate before I press the button to release my little boy.

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By Katie, July 5, 2011 at 4:35 pm Link to this comment
(Unregistered commenter)

This is not witty, but alarming, it reflects a misogynist world.  As do many of the acts of continual harrassment of women that are being made into rhymes.  In one way it bowled me over, being so shocking when one looks at this history compressed, all at once like this.  And tip of the iceberg, since the majority of men’s sexual predatory behavior never reaches the light of day.

If anyone really cared the acts of violence against women worldwide would be seen as on par with the wars in the Middle East.  It would be #1 on our political agenda.  These wars are doubly hard on women who encounter rape and violence during wars, from their own male soldiers or from enemy male soldiers. Male behavior like you make light of is only seen as a distraction because men everywhere are violently raping women, like DSK where it’s being seen as a “guys will be guys” thing, wink, wink, go back to France and run for president, kind of thing.

So, what is the solution?  Castration?  One would hope it needn’t go that far.  How about 80% women and 20% men in Congress?  That might solve the problem.  And these women might be able to focus on world problems instead of obsessing about their particular sexual fetishes. Maybe then some of the major problems would be constructively addressed, and I’m guessing not until.

Honestly, very few women try to pick up other women in bathrooms, or text pictures of their genitals to scores of men who are much younger.  Very few women buy prostitutes.  Nor do they rape hotel maids and then get dubbed as just having too much libido.  It’s about male supremacy and harrassment of women, brutal violence against women, not about sex.  I’m sure that many women have affairs, and I believe some women do run off with soulmates, and possibly a few of these are politicians.  But they very rarely do the other things.  Those things are misogynist, woman-hating, harrassing and worse.  Let’s call it what it is, and it’s not sex.

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By Textynn, July 5, 2011 at 10:57 am Link to this comment
(Unregistered commenter)

We would need to bring back the guillotine to make our politicians dickless cause they are all dick heads.

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By johnnyfarout, July 4, 2011 at 9:15 pm Link to this comment

It’s so shameless, I’m breathless…so pithy.

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By TDoff, July 4, 2011 at 2:27 pm Link to this comment

OMG, this is really quite witty
To have so much truth
packed into one prickly ditty

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