Dec 9, 2013
‘Get Rich Cheating’
Posted on Jun 2, 2009
Editor’s note: Truthdig is pleased to present an excerpt from comedian Jeff Kreisler’s new book, “Get Rich Cheating,” a satirical how-to guide that uses real scams in business, sports, entertainment, and politics to show how we got into the mess we’re in.
Lest there be any confusion, please note that this is a work of satire intended for entertainment purposes only.
View the infomercial here.
“Get Rich Cheating” Excerpt 1:
Chapter 20 The Scam from U.N.C.L.E
I Want You! To Get His Money
Even George Bush knew about the fleeting nature of government hookups. He sucked every last penny he could out of his presidency, passing last-minute energy, environmental, and financial rules that benefited his buddies, even as a nation obsessed with campaign ’08 forgot he existed. If he can use the government to get rich, can the rest of us? Yes We Can.
“Win” Government Contracts
•Former Housing Secretary Alphonso Jackson steered hundreds of thousands to friends for work in post-Katrina New Orleans and the Virgin Islands. Um, it’s called vacation planning.
No Bid, No Problem
The no-bid process is designed for speed and limits the ability of government crybabies to put up safeguards to prevent waste and fraud. Hey, they don’t have to worry. You’re not going to waste any of the money you fraud your way into.
The Best Defen$e Is a Good Offense
In$piration: “Defense procurement has disintegrated into an incestuous relationship between the military, politicians, and contractors.” —Walter Braswell1
Our armed services don’t like paperwork; they like blowing things up. Michael Cantrell, a mid-level Defense Department guy, extracted $350 million from the Pentagon for projects it didn’t want and for services he never provided just by gaming the system. Army officials didn’t want to get in budget fights with Cantrell’s Senate friends like Trent Lott, so they just gave him contracts with no scrutiny. It was easier that way. Incest is best.
“Even before the first shots were fired in Iraq, the Pentagon had secretly awarded Halliburton subsidiary Kellogg Brown & Root a two-year, no-bid contract to put out oil well figures and to handle other unspecified duties involving war damage to the country’s petroleum industry. It is worth up to $7 billion.2”
Companies like Bechtel, Halliburton, KBR, and Crest have connections to the government cash dispensers. Neil Bush—yes, another of the President’s brothers—helped get contracts for his friends. (The kind of friends who paid him about $60,000, i.e., good friends.) Shocking, I know. Cheating, you should.
Some hippies claim that the Iraq war has resulted in the “largest case of war profiteering in history.” Well, you have to account for inflation, liberal media. I mean, in 2008 dollars, the Peloponnesian War in 431 BC would have been, well, absurd.
There’s a multibillion-dollar Development Fund for Iraq paid for by oil revenue just begging for you to exploit it. Great Cheaters are reselling old equipment or submitting invoices for millions in salary without any documentation whatsoever . . . and getting it!4
I mean, come on, young cheater, do I have to spell it out for you? People are literally dying for you to get rich. You owe it to them to make sure their sacrifice is not in vain.
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